MY BRIEF TESTIMONY
This is my testimony in the briefest form.
I will be elaborating on my story in a series that will be available here
If you would like to be notified when those parts are posted, please subscribe at the bottom of the page.
I will be elaborating on my story in a series that will be available here
If you would like to be notified when those parts are posted, please subscribe at the bottom of the page.
I am half Lebanese and half American. I was born and raised in the United States. My dad came to the United States from Lebanon when he was twenty and met my mom in college. My mom was raised Methodist but gradually became agnostic in college. My dad was not a practicing Muslim in college. Together, they began to explore the faith of Islam deeper and my mom converted 6 months before they got married. I was raised conservative and religious but not very cultural. My parents taught me the foundations and basics of the religion and we would have Islam lessons so that my sister and I knew our faith well. Having both Arabic and American cultures in my life, I was different from the Muslims I grew up with in Dearborn when we moved to the city when I was 9. My mom's family was a big part of my life growing up so I had a good understanding of both cultures and embraced being American almost more than being Arab.
I first heard the Gospel my sophomore year of college after I met three Christian guys and we became friends. Two were in the same major as me and we got along because we had the same moral foundation. Throughout college we would have religious discussions but over time I stopped talking about religion with them because I didn't want to deal with it. I was busy with school and I had pushed God aside.
After graduation, I went through a "quarter life crisis" and a lot of things crashed down on me and something inside me sort of snapped. I had been battling with feeling spiritually dead since about high school and ever since then I had been straying away from God and religion and doing my own thing. With that said, I had the mindset of "I will be religious later". Yet 7 years later I wasn't more religious, I was actually worse.
Once I graduated college things started to get really real for me and I know that's fairly normal for people after they graduate college. I started to evaluate myself and who I wanted to be in this next stage. With this in mind, I started to question my religion. Conversations with one of my friends who doesn't believe in any religion started to spark my mind of truths I had never questioned.
Things like:
Why do I wear the headscarf?
Does praying the same prayer five times a day really bring me closer to God?"
And I started to realize I wasn't really sure about a religion I was practicing. So one night I reached out to one of my Christian friends from college explaining to them how I felt and the response I got wasn't what I was expecting. He responded by saying it was because I rejected the One True God and didn't have the Holy Spirit. It took me off guard and honestly annoyed me. But then I reread the email and thought to myself "what right do I have to be arrogant and annoyed?" I barely have a belief anymore. What ground did I have to stand on anymore?
So I wrote down a bunch of thoughts of all the reasons why I didn't believe what they believed. I wrote them down and prepared to discuss it with them that evening. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. I needed to.
This is what happened that night:
October 27, 2015
I went and talked with them. And every question and statement I had written down felt out of context and irrelevant. And after everything they said, I understood. I kept saying that. I kept saying I understand why you believe in that. Or believe that way. That makes sense. I understand. They looked at me dumbfounded because of what was coming out of my mouth but I was still rejecting it. "If you understand what we are saying and it is getting cleared up and your questions are answered then what’s stopping you?"
I was silent.
What's stopping me? Fear? My life changing? The community rejecting me? My parents not accepting me?
All these things were and are worldly. None of my thoughts had any relation to how I felt God would feel with me. And that right there was when I realized my problem. I had become what I never wanted to be. I had started fulfilling that role of practicing culture and not fearing God. I was started to live out of fear of people.
Every part of me began to panic. I decided it was best if I leave. I had nothing to say to them. I couldn't admit out loud what I was feeling. I could barely admit it to myself. I knew what to do but I couldn't do it. I was just too afraid to change my life. To fall into the unknown.
So I said goodbye and left. They were worn out I'm sure and very silent, sad to see me go. I was too but I was sadder for myself for the life I was trapping myself in. The life I had been trapping myself in since high school. I walked into the hallway and turned the corner towards the elevator. As I turned the corner, I felt the pit in my stomach emerge and I bent over slightly trying to capture and contain it. I held in uneven breaths and uncontainable sobs when I suddenly halted.
I couldn't move.
The elevators were right there. But I could not physically push the buttons. I couldn't lift my hands and I couldn't move my feet. They tingled from heaviness and numbness and I couldn't even feel them at all. It was like I had no control over them or my body. I was still. Still with the air. And felt nothing at that moment. I stared straight ahead at nothing.
All I could think about was that I couldn't live another day like this.
Another day lost.
Another day guilty.
Another day lying.
Another day numb.
Another day alone.
I needed God and I couldn't feel the one I had believed in for 23 years of my life. Instead I felt the presence of the weight I was carrying and the struggle I was fighting. I couldn't move my legs any closer to the elevator but I could move them back. So that's what I did. I went back.
They were surprised to see me back at the door and when it opened I burst into tears.
I hid inside my friends' closet and cried harder than I ever had in my entire life. I cried and shook, still not feeling completely in control of my body. I was fighting myself and fighting my surroundings. I could feel the tension in the air around me and could physically feel myself fighting some unknown force. I cried and cried still unable to feel my legs. Their weightlessness scared me. What was happening to me? I cried, silently begging God and the universe to make it all go away. I felt as though my mind wasn't in my body and that I was a bystander to the whole situation.
Was this the devil?
Was this God?
I had no idea.
At some point I picked up my phone and opened my email. If I said the words on the screen calling out to Jesus and praying for him to save me would I feel something? I wasn't sure or really convinced at that moment but I had to do something. I couldn't live like this anymore and if it didn't work then it didn't but I couldn't handle being in the what- ifs anymore. So I said the prayer and then said it again feeling my body and mind calm down.
I felt at peace. I still felt out of my body and still couldn't feel my legs but my mind was at peace and everything became so clear. Everything aligned and I suddenly saw the world differently. I essentially felt awake.
After emerging out of the closet, Jesus dying for my sins made sense among a lot of concepts that were hard for me to grasp just moments earlier. I remember my friends in their joy laughing at me because I was saying very Christian things.
I told my parents a month and a half later after compiling my thoughts and story in a letter to them. They are still adjusting with my decision but I'm very grateful and thankful for their love and willingness to talk and discuss things.
It's been a whirlwind since that day, but I am so incredibly thankful to know the God of the Universe personally through Jesus Christ. Taking up my cross daily has been exhilarating, challenging, and sometimes exhausting but I know it will always be worth it.
I first heard the Gospel my sophomore year of college after I met three Christian guys and we became friends. Two were in the same major as me and we got along because we had the same moral foundation. Throughout college we would have religious discussions but over time I stopped talking about religion with them because I didn't want to deal with it. I was busy with school and I had pushed God aside.
After graduation, I went through a "quarter life crisis" and a lot of things crashed down on me and something inside me sort of snapped. I had been battling with feeling spiritually dead since about high school and ever since then I had been straying away from God and religion and doing my own thing. With that said, I had the mindset of "I will be religious later". Yet 7 years later I wasn't more religious, I was actually worse.
Once I graduated college things started to get really real for me and I know that's fairly normal for people after they graduate college. I started to evaluate myself and who I wanted to be in this next stage. With this in mind, I started to question my religion. Conversations with one of my friends who doesn't believe in any religion started to spark my mind of truths I had never questioned.
Things like:
Why do I wear the headscarf?
Does praying the same prayer five times a day really bring me closer to God?"
And I started to realize I wasn't really sure about a religion I was practicing. So one night I reached out to one of my Christian friends from college explaining to them how I felt and the response I got wasn't what I was expecting. He responded by saying it was because I rejected the One True God and didn't have the Holy Spirit. It took me off guard and honestly annoyed me. But then I reread the email and thought to myself "what right do I have to be arrogant and annoyed?" I barely have a belief anymore. What ground did I have to stand on anymore?
So I wrote down a bunch of thoughts of all the reasons why I didn't believe what they believed. I wrote them down and prepared to discuss it with them that evening. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. I needed to.
This is what happened that night:
October 27, 2015
I went and talked with them. And every question and statement I had written down felt out of context and irrelevant. And after everything they said, I understood. I kept saying that. I kept saying I understand why you believe in that. Or believe that way. That makes sense. I understand. They looked at me dumbfounded because of what was coming out of my mouth but I was still rejecting it. "If you understand what we are saying and it is getting cleared up and your questions are answered then what’s stopping you?"
I was silent.
What's stopping me? Fear? My life changing? The community rejecting me? My parents not accepting me?
All these things were and are worldly. None of my thoughts had any relation to how I felt God would feel with me. And that right there was when I realized my problem. I had become what I never wanted to be. I had started fulfilling that role of practicing culture and not fearing God. I was started to live out of fear of people.
Every part of me began to panic. I decided it was best if I leave. I had nothing to say to them. I couldn't admit out loud what I was feeling. I could barely admit it to myself. I knew what to do but I couldn't do it. I was just too afraid to change my life. To fall into the unknown.
So I said goodbye and left. They were worn out I'm sure and very silent, sad to see me go. I was too but I was sadder for myself for the life I was trapping myself in. The life I had been trapping myself in since high school. I walked into the hallway and turned the corner towards the elevator. As I turned the corner, I felt the pit in my stomach emerge and I bent over slightly trying to capture and contain it. I held in uneven breaths and uncontainable sobs when I suddenly halted.
I couldn't move.
The elevators were right there. But I could not physically push the buttons. I couldn't lift my hands and I couldn't move my feet. They tingled from heaviness and numbness and I couldn't even feel them at all. It was like I had no control over them or my body. I was still. Still with the air. And felt nothing at that moment. I stared straight ahead at nothing.
All I could think about was that I couldn't live another day like this.
Another day lost.
Another day guilty.
Another day lying.
Another day numb.
Another day alone.
I needed God and I couldn't feel the one I had believed in for 23 years of my life. Instead I felt the presence of the weight I was carrying and the struggle I was fighting. I couldn't move my legs any closer to the elevator but I could move them back. So that's what I did. I went back.
They were surprised to see me back at the door and when it opened I burst into tears.
I hid inside my friends' closet and cried harder than I ever had in my entire life. I cried and shook, still not feeling completely in control of my body. I was fighting myself and fighting my surroundings. I could feel the tension in the air around me and could physically feel myself fighting some unknown force. I cried and cried still unable to feel my legs. Their weightlessness scared me. What was happening to me? I cried, silently begging God and the universe to make it all go away. I felt as though my mind wasn't in my body and that I was a bystander to the whole situation.
Was this the devil?
Was this God?
I had no idea.
At some point I picked up my phone and opened my email. If I said the words on the screen calling out to Jesus and praying for him to save me would I feel something? I wasn't sure or really convinced at that moment but I had to do something. I couldn't live like this anymore and if it didn't work then it didn't but I couldn't handle being in the what- ifs anymore. So I said the prayer and then said it again feeling my body and mind calm down.
I felt at peace. I still felt out of my body and still couldn't feel my legs but my mind was at peace and everything became so clear. Everything aligned and I suddenly saw the world differently. I essentially felt awake.
After emerging out of the closet, Jesus dying for my sins made sense among a lot of concepts that were hard for me to grasp just moments earlier. I remember my friends in their joy laughing at me because I was saying very Christian things.
I told my parents a month and a half later after compiling my thoughts and story in a letter to them. They are still adjusting with my decision but I'm very grateful and thankful for their love and willingness to talk and discuss things.
It's been a whirlwind since that day, but I am so incredibly thankful to know the God of the Universe personally through Jesus Christ. Taking up my cross daily has been exhilarating, challenging, and sometimes exhausting but I know it will always be worth it.
Whether this has made you happy, sad, upset, shocked, or unmoved, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have any remarks or comments that you would like to send me, feel free to fill out the form below.
|
|
|
